I Want...

I want to act. To be a famous movie actress one of these days. If it were up to me, I'd be one already. One of those child stars. lol. But, it never played out that way and I accept it.


I want to get married and have at least two children; One girl and 1 boy.


I plan to live in Texas for a little while, at least. Or make it my permanent residence with time spent wherever my work may lead me, naturally.


Hopefully I'll be on Oprah someday. lol. I loove Oprah. And I'd love to win an Oscar. That's one of my biggest dreams.


I love singing and dancing, so I'd like to have a career as a singer as well. Does that sound too ambitious? haha, Some people have done it and done it successfully, I'd like to be one of them...maybe win a Grammy award. lol, Dream big or not at all.


I'm planning, as of right now, to start school in the Spring at OU where there's a good theatre program. I'm kind of excited. I'm moving to Texas in a couple of years, Corpus Christi or maybe Dallas. I have a lot of family down that way and I've never been there.

I want to finally start having a real life. I kind of did for a while and then things got away from me for this reason and that reason. I want to have this feeling back that there's someone out there who gives a damn about me. I was almost happy for a while. I had freedom. I've yet again allowed myself to become my own prisoner and that's the most confining prison to live in.

I want to love again. To love like I was never hurt. I believe in love. How can it not exist? Look around and you're sure to find it somewhere. I know who I want, it's just a matter of positive thinking right now...I'm lacking in that area, but I know I can do this. I believe. But, love is a whole 'nother story entirely and that's far too ambitious a writing project for me right now. lol.

There are so many things I want to do. So many things I want out of this life and I just hope I can do it all and do it all well. But most of all, in addition to love, I just want to be happy. I don't know that I ever have truly been happy in my life and that is my greatest dream of all. To be happy and to find love. Those are the only two things we really need in the very end...<3

It's Never Enough

So, I haven't written in a while and I can't sleep. Emotionally, I'm a bit spent, and I can't sleep. I just need to vent.

All I want is to believe you still truly care about me without expecting anything from me. I found out some rather distressing information the other day and on one hand, I'm so upset and on the other, I almost don't care. But I miss someone more than words can say. I wish I didn't, but I do. I care far too much and have invested more of myself than I ever should have. But you can't fight what your heart wants and how it feels. I know why they call it heartache. It's a very literal term. I think if my heart could cry, that's just how it would feel. The pain is almost unbearable and I want to cry, but I'm just not able to. My heart is sad and heavy and I want it to have that lightness again. Oh, how I'd love that. I think I fell somewhere along the line and nobody was there to keep holding me up.

God, when I'm in your arms, it's the most peaceful feeling in the world. Two people at peace, not needing to speak. There's a knowing-ness in that embrace that I love and I miss. Have you ever needed someone so bad? It means everything to me to be called "special" and know someone actually means it. Looks you dead in the eye and tells you how special you are and that you were missed. Am I less special now? Am I not missed so much? Maybe I did something wrong, I don't know. I know I maybe made a mistake by falling, but you're as much in the wrong for expecting me not to.

The heart wants what the heart wants. I know what it wants and I'm at a loss. To want something you know you can easily have but for it to be so somehow out of reach is maddening. It's one of the most sinking, soul-crushing feelings. I can't get you off of my mind. I haven't been able to in ages. I'd love to, but it seems impossible. The "special lady" fell for an even more special man and he's slipped so far from her fingers....Now I can cry.

Sorry, I just needed to get some things off my chest.

A Drop In The Ocean

Sooo, I wrote this and I'm not sure that it's any good, really. But there's a bit of truth behind it. I can't say I've never felt this way before. Or that I don't to a point right now. Anyway, enjoy.

Being with you....Things are so simple. The rest of the world doesn't exist. It's just the two of us, and there, there is where I find perfection. It's quiet, it's sweet. There's always beauty in anything that's honest and true. If it's real, it's lovely. There's something special in those moments. The moments we just look into each others' eyes and say nothing at all. In the moments one of us says something stupid, but the other just laughs because only we would get it. In the moments where our minds are on the same page and there is total understanding...In that, there is nothing but beauty. I see truthfulness and serenity in your eyes and I'm at ease. I'm happy.

But on the other side of it all, you find that beautiful things never last. I wonder every moment of the days that so slowly pass by, "Why not me??" And each second is like sand falling down the hour glass grain by grain. Each grain as slow and painful as the last. The butterflies in my stomach run rampant in confusion and hurt. Pain in my heart over the one soul who sets it on fire....Why not me? Don't let the perfect person for you slip through your fingers. Don't be willing to let yourself let go of something special.