It's Never Enough

So, I haven't written in a while and I can't sleep. Emotionally, I'm a bit spent, and I can't sleep. I just need to vent.

All I want is to believe you still truly care about me without expecting anything from me. I found out some rather distressing information the other day and on one hand, I'm so upset and on the other, I almost don't care. But I miss someone more than words can say. I wish I didn't, but I do. I care far too much and have invested more of myself than I ever should have. But you can't fight what your heart wants and how it feels. I know why they call it heartache. It's a very literal term. I think if my heart could cry, that's just how it would feel. The pain is almost unbearable and I want to cry, but I'm just not able to. My heart is sad and heavy and I want it to have that lightness again. Oh, how I'd love that. I think I fell somewhere along the line and nobody was there to keep holding me up.

God, when I'm in your arms, it's the most peaceful feeling in the world. Two people at peace, not needing to speak. There's a knowing-ness in that embrace that I love and I miss. Have you ever needed someone so bad? It means everything to me to be called "special" and know someone actually means it. Looks you dead in the eye and tells you how special you are and that you were missed. Am I less special now? Am I not missed so much? Maybe I did something wrong, I don't know. I know I maybe made a mistake by falling, but you're as much in the wrong for expecting me not to.

The heart wants what the heart wants. I know what it wants and I'm at a loss. To want something you know you can easily have but for it to be so somehow out of reach is maddening. It's one of the most sinking, soul-crushing feelings. I can't get you off of my mind. I haven't been able to in ages. I'd love to, but it seems impossible. The "special lady" fell for an even more special man and he's slipped so far from her fingers....Now I can cry.

Sorry, I just needed to get some things off my chest.